Posted by Dr. Frank Epstein on April 13, 2003 at 19:09:17:
In Reply to: mouthpiece materials posted by William on April 12, 2003 at 14:09:44:
In my extensive experiments modeled on the work of Frederick Young and Arthur Benade, I attempted to alter the tonality of the tuba mouthpiece through the use of magnetism. I have observed that high-frequency sounds create a molecular disturbance in the acoustic matrix which is rich in heavy metal particles. The magnetism accelerates those particles, affecting the 2164523rd resonance peak slightly. This can cause the average tuba to sound like it being played by Arnold Jacobs, as we sought to prove with our test subject, who was Memphian corrections officer, Mr. Joseph Cellmateherder.
Unfortunately, magnetite did not show sufficient flux density to achieve the desired objective. Thus, we prepared a special electromagnet super-conducting accelerator, using phased coils with 22,000 turns of 24-ga copper wire bathed in liquid nitrogen. The mouthpiece arrangement looked like a frozen bagel, a really big sucker.
Unfortunately, the test failed, but not because of any difficulty with the theory. The tester inhaled carefully, and with resonant reflectivity had established a stable standing wave (which takes 33 milliseconds), when we activated the superconducting accelerator. Unfortunately, our superconducting accelerator turned into a superconducting supercollider when a bracelet worn by my tubist assistant was attracted by the field, achieving a velocity of .274 the speed of light. The damage was severe enough to prevent further tests: the apparatus was sliced neatly in two. We have reaffixed Mr. Cellmateherder's head using a large fixing bolt that had been custom-made just for this purpose, that was given to us from my cousin's generous father, who got it from his great, great grandfather, who apparently was a great biologist of decades past. I always liked Mr. F. But our hapless subject will, I'm afraid, forever bear the imprint of his sacrifice for science, in the form of a mirror image of the letters W.W.A-J.D. weaving through the scar line. The source of these strange markings are as yet unknown. Though doctors were able to reattach the severed hand of my assistant, the bracelet was never seen again, and we suspect that it was transported through a wormhole which we traced to the office of Fritz Reiner in the year 1944.
Dr. Frank "Still trying to tie together the loose threads" Epstein