Glut of Navel Gazing (long post)


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Posted by Daryl Bean on June 13, 2002 at 11:27:12:

Hi guys,

I was just noticing the huge amount of self-evaluating that seems to be taking place out loud here on the board. It's really interesting that this time of year really seems to bring it out - because the school year is drawing to a close, whatever. I thought some folks might want to share outstanding stories of navel gazing (plus their eventual outcome) as a service to some of the members that are going through it right now.

Mine story is kind of unusual - I finished my Master's degree in performance from MSU (wonderful tuba instructor, nice place) and was going through the post-degree ennui that many seem to; I couldn't seem to figure out why I wasn't further ahead than I was after all the hard work I did (and not just in the two years of the master's; I'd been busting butt for two years prior just to GET INTO a good university master's program, plus the four years worth of undergrad training I had). I felt like I was STILL struggling to get into the bands I wanted, and not quite getting the respect and recognition I felt like I deserved from my peers. I couldn't understand why I always felt like I was hanging on for dear life instead of succeeding wildly. Then it hit me - I SUCKED. I wasn't where I felt like I should be because I SUCKED. I wasn't getting the respect I felt like I deserved because I SUCKED. Ouch. Then I had to figure out why I sucked and what I had to do to change it. I knew it wasn't a new horn, or a better teacher, or whatever (at the time, I had two fabulous horns and a GREAT teacher); I knew the answer had to be somewhere in ME.

I THEN figured out that I sucked because I hadn't completely invested myself in being the best tuba player I could be. I was holding out somehow, waiting for someone or something (like the top spot in the best orchestra, or the first place in the competition) to validate me and my pursuits; and when THAT happened, then I'd know it was safe to delve into it full-bore. So I played imagination a little - I imagined myself doing my dream job (or at least what I THOUGHT it was), playing tuba in the Chicago Symphony. I imagined it in the greatest detail I could muster - what the hall would feel and smell like, what it would sound like, what my perspective in the orchestra might look like, so on and so on. And the oddest thing happened - I noticed how I felt....TERRIFIED. Not happy because I had my dream job, not excited to be in the presence of all this great music (and it WAS great; the imagination is a wonderful thing) - I was ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. Then it hit me - I didn't play tuba because I loved playing tuba, I played tuba because I wanted the respect that a big orchestra or college job would give me. Thus, I was always scared because I was afraid of that big mistake that would totally ruin my reputation. Then the big message came on loud and strong; I SUCKED BECAUSE MY PRIORITIES WERE OUT OF WHACK! Now, the fun part - I got to play "what makes you happy?" and the answer ended up being teaching elementary school music and writing children's songs. Currently I teach in a fabulous school district in Michigan (Hartland), and sold one of my two fantastic tubas to buy the recording equipment I needed to produce demos and starting pitching songs to TV shows. It's a long road yet, but I was recently invited by a fairly well-known children's performer to sing one of my songs at an upcoming MI concert of his. Then afterwards we're going to spend the day with his family at his summer house in IN, hopefully to write together. And I can happily say that, even though I would like my music to have more exposure, I am very proud of my songs and look forward to teaching, writing and recording for the rest of my life (something I never said about playing tuba). And even better, I really love playing my Willson Eb tuba now that it's a hobby :)

So there it is - hopefully, I've enlightened (and failing that, at least entertained) with my story. Any questions, feel free to email me. And the next testimonial is........

Daryl Bean

PS - If you want to HEAR some of my tunes, go to the link. Let me know what you think (maybe I still suck...;) ).


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